mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
it hurts more in the daytime
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
