Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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