Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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