I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
