how hairy? two words: wookie tits
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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