the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
