Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
