I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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