I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Randomize