i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
