Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
