Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
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