the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
