This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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