There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
