please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
