So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
