I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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