last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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