ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
