i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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