filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
