so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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