Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
