His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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