I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
