If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
