cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
