i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
