Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
