Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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