Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize