you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
