he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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