She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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