His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
