She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
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