I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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