It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
