I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
