have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
