Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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