Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
