I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Randomize
