I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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