ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
