I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
