I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize