Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize