i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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