I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
