That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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