I'm so fucking centered right now
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
