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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
