it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I did not marry a roomba.
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