If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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