My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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