The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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