I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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