i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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